Pairing is definitely a first for me, an entirely new experience. In fact, using Google Hangouts to meet someone for the first time is new to me. And we weren’t just meeting, but we actually worked together, and it eventually felt like we were coworkers that had been working with each other for a while. To be honest, though, before pairing for the first time in Phase 0, I was terrified. I get super anxious when meeting people for the first time or when I’m around people I don’t know very well. And while I can say I’m no longer terrified, I still get nervous before a pairing session. Part of me feels that I have nothing useful to contribute, part of me feels like that I might let my pair down, or that I might just be getting in their way. And I also realize that this is partially based in a fixed mindset. But, I’m trying to grow out of that and into a growth mindset, and it’s actually pretty difficult. I find that if I can do something once, then I’ll probably be able to be successful at it again, and that’s what keeps me going and what helps me muffle the self-doubt and overly self-critical thoughts.
But, I also like pairing. I’m an introvert, but I also like working in groups in order to bounce ideas off each other. While pairing, I have had a really good time for the most part. I’ve learned what I like and what I don’t like during a pairing session. And most of the time, I found pairing to be really beneficial: I was able to work with someone who was interested in the same thing and learn from them. I hope I was able to give back to the team as well at some point. It was a little frustrating when we both had no idea what to do next, but when that happened it seemed it was best to take a quick break and play around with the code on our own, and then reconvene. It is also extremely rewarding when you and your pair finish a challenge together, or when there’s an epiphany and you both figure out something you’d been stuck on for a while. Good feels.
And even though pairing is really a great tool, there were a couple of times when a pairing session just wasn’t that great. This didn’t happen often, but sometimes I just didn’t feel like I clicked with my pair. I still tried to do my best, but I felt uneasy the whole time, and I couldn’t figure out why I felt that way, which was frustrating because then I couldn’t try to fix it or even verbalize my feelings. This was similar to how I feel when giving feedback.
I’ve never been very good at verbalizing my feelings and emotions. And giving feedback to a pair after a session was difficult for me. If something bothered me, most of the time if there had been a reason, I couldn’t remember it, or I didn’t even know the reason. I also found it difficult to give feedback that was actionable if I felt that everything went well. I’m still working on giving actionable and specific feedback, though, so I should be getting better at that as I pair more.
When I was in high school, I took creative writing, and in college I took a bunch of art classes. Because of this, I am pretty open to feedback about myself. I never take it as true criticism, but as constructive criticism. Sometimes when I read feedback, I already know what I need to work on, and sometimes it’s a surprise. But kind of like getting critique on your painting or short story, you can choose what suggestions to take. While most all of the suggestions I do take seriously, sometimes when I read something and I don’t really understand where it came from, I just say “okay” and move on. That being said, I really do appreciate feedback. It’s not only helpful when dealing with your work, but also when dealing with yourself as a person. The positive feedback I’ve received includes that I have a good attitude, I’m not afraid to ask questions, and that I’m open to trying out different strategies. Things I need to work on, though, include speaking up more with my own ideas, do a little more independent research on the concepts at hand, and not be afraid of saying when I don’t know something (which I seem to be getting much better at). And for feedback from me for me, I realize I need to be more confident and be more decisive (I, for some reason, have a had time making decisions). These won’t happen overnight, but I’ll definitely work on it and try to improve on these things for my next pairing session.